


Not With Guns But Kill Your  Mother

by mittamoo



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, God this is sad lads, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-24
Updated: 2017-04-25
Packaged: 2018-10-23 14:43:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10721382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mittamoo/pseuds/mittamoo
Summary: 'Somehow she’s sat in the back of the ambulance. She’s still talking to him, isn’t sure if she even stopped. The wail of the siren is unrelenting and slightly out of time to the one that’s been screaming in her head since Cain burst through the door.'Alternatively the two times Chas Dingle swore she was going to loose her life





	Not With Guns But Kill Your  Mother

**Author's Note:**

> Will I ever actually write something happy? who knows, probably not

The first time she remembers sitting in Paddy’s kitchen, waiting for him. Concerned, angry, but not drowning in terror, in guilt. Then Cain bursts through the cottage door and everything goes to shit. The fear is crawling up her throat by the way he looks, she doesn’t really register what he says, just hears _Aaron_ and she’s out the door running. _Clack-clack-clack_ it’s the only thing she can hear now other than the roaring rush of blood in her ears. Later, she’d muse that she ruined her heels running like that, but now all she can focus on is following her big brother through the village at breakneck pace.

It’s when she finally reaches the garage, _not fast enough_ , that she sees him. Aaron. Her son, her little boy, _her baby_ laying on the gravel. Before she really knows what’s happening she’s on her knees her knees beside him, with the Barton boy, Adam. She must have said something to him because he replied to her but she has no idea what her question was, nor the response. Her son is so still, her boy is a lot of things but still has never been one of them. Someone starts on chest compressions she isn’t sure if it’s Adam, Paddy or even herself doing them. The memory of sitting in a church hall as a little girl learning first aid with the brownies crosses her mind. _Ah Ah Ah Ah Stayin’ Alive, Stayin’ Alive._ The irony isn’t lost on her.

Somewhere in the back of her mind she can hear begging, shrill and desperate. It’s probably her. Pleading for her son, her little boy, the hyperactive child that for weeks begged her to buy him a Furby, to breathe, to move, to open his eyes. Anything. She can’t lose him. _She can’t. shecan’t shecan’t shecan’t._

_A mother is not meant to outlive her son._

“I think he meant to kill himself”

No. No. _No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no nonononononononononononononono. **No**_

It had to have been an accident, Aaron wouldn’t commit suicide, her son wasn’t suicidal. Somehow she’s sat in the back of the ambulance. She’s still talking to him, isn’t sure if she even stopped. The wail of the siren is unrelenting and slightly out of time to the one that’s been screaming in her head since Cain burst through the door. It’s so loud, she can’t breathe, can’t think, the ambulance isn’t going fast enough. What if-what if her baby dies before they’re even through the hospital doors. She wants to scream. Maybe she already is.

The ambulance stops and suddenly there are paramedics trying to take her son away from her. She chases after them down corridors until the nurses don’t let her go any further. She doesn’t know how she must look, not good at least. A nurse leads her by the arm to a waiting room, even further away from her little boy.

She sits for a long time before Paddy and Adam come into the waiting room and together they wait in tense silence. All night long they sit there, at some point during the wait a nurse tells her that Aaron was in a coma that he might not wake up. She doesn’t remember how she got back to the waiting room after that.

_I think he meant to kill himself_

Eventually she’s stood with Paddy and she’s angry, god she’s so angry. Paddy was supposed to look after him, this is his fault. His fault that her son, a teenaged boy was laying on life support. His fault that she might outlive her little boy. She’s shouting at him now, she’s terrified and angry and she needs to take it out on someone. Who better than the man who told his mate that her son was gay, before he told her. The man who knew her son wasn’t coping with it, the man who let it get this far. Paddy starts yelling back at her, she barely hears most of it, hardly pushes past the screen of overwhelming fear. The words that do push through that fog is Paddy calling her a terrible mother.

After the fight she can’t get the words out of her head. Terrible mother, _terrible mother_ over and over and over again. The tears burn at her eyes once again because she realises. Paddy was right. It took her, her own son attempting suicide- maybe succeeding, she doesn’t know, for her to see it. The anger is gone now replaced by guilt, acidic and burning her throat. The fear doesn’t leave, she doesn’t think it ever will. She abandoned her son once when he was barely old enough to understand, and then once more years later. No wonder he hates her. Paddy was right she has been a terrible mother in fact she’s been no kind of mother at all. When her son wakes up, if her son wakes up she decides. It’s about damn time she starts being one.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!


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